Lessons In The Wings
It’s not about never falling off track, it’s about a quick recovery. How long does it take you? A month? 6 months? What if it only took you a day or two to get back on track? What would that mean for you?
It’s not about never falling off course; getting off course is inevitable, we’re human, it’s gonna happen. New obstacles, emotions, circumstances, people, stressors, triggers and the like are thrown our way, and as we try to navigate it well… we aren’t always able to hold to the integrity of our goal. But, you know what? That’s okay. No, truly… It's okay.
If you’re anything like me you may be running scenarios in your mind right now of times you’ve encountered this and think, “How can that be okay? I knew better. I’ve done better. I should have been able to do it, but I didn’t.” And like always, here comes that heavy feeling in your chest again. Or maybe for you it’s an empty, sick or shaky feeling inside. “I failed. Again!” you say to yourself.
Sometimes this process can lead us to think our process is flawed, and we go seeking the next shiny new plan or program that will finally be the fit that will help us succeed and reach our goal. It becomes almost an addiction. It can be chasing big things like retreats, courses, fad diets, programs and 90-day challenges. Now, don’t get me wrong, these can be extremely helpful and can help surround us with like-minded people who will support us. But, the reasons why we engage in them matter. Do they better align us with our goals than the program before? Or is it a way of running away from the real lesson we desperately want to avoid and get the high that comes from the “next best thing”.
As I'm writing this I recognize a small way in which this constantly shows up in my life… Notebooks! Oh my! There is nothing like the fresh-start dopamine hit of a shiny new notebook! “I only lasted 3 days with my last plan. I need to start over. A new plan. A new notebook. Yes! But, a prettier one this time. Maybe one with a gold-embossed motivational quote on the front. “She believed she could, so she did!” Yup! That’s the one that’s coming home with me. It will be great this time, you’ll see”.
Sound familiar? No…? I have a question for you…. How many different water bottles do you have stuffed in the back of a cupboard somewhere that all fell in line with the promise that this would be the one to help you reach your hydration goals?
You’re with me now? Great. I see you. I’m with you. I get it! I’ve got my water-bottle-reject cupboard too. I’m just grateful I recognized my hydration-dopamine chase before the $45 Stanley mug became a thing (not dissing Stanley, this was a me problem. Don’t blame the mug)!
So, how do we get back on track for real; without it taking weeks or months for us to recover our course?
I remember reading a quote from Stephen R. Covey(1)… (do you remember him?) where he talked about how an airplane goes from take off to destination while flying off course 90% of the time. Wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, etc all bring the plane off course. But the reason the plane is able to reach its intended destination on time is because the pilot consistently makes minor course corrections along the flight path.
Let me emphasize two words used in this analogy… “Consistent” and “Minor”. It doesn’t require overhauling the flight plan (or the purchase of a new notebook) to bring us successfully to our intended destination. It can look like minor adjustments along the way. Because, let’s be honest… my current notebook can be written in just as brilliantly as a new one! The tool was working, but what I was really doing… was avoiding the small lessons that would get me to my destination.
Putting this concept another way… have you ever been faced with a bedroom that is going to take you a thorough afternoon to clean simply because you neglected to pick up one or two items a day over the course of a week? That’s what I'm talking about.
I may be simplifying here because of course we both know that in practice… It feels a lot more complicated. This is a life skill that requires conscious practice; which over time will lessen the gap of time we remain off course.
Did you know that if a flight plan is off by a single degree, it can take you hundreds of miles off course of your destination? The longer the plane remains off course, the longer it takes to recover the distance. Likewise, the longer we remain off course of our intended goal; the more time and energy it takes for us to recover the course.
So, what stops us from picking up that sock off the floor instead of walking past it, letting it eventually turn what would have been a 10-second tidy into an afternoon overhaul?
This is what I've come to learn. My ability to shorten my course correction gap to mere days instead of months came from a shift in my relationship with the lesson. I wasn’t actually avoiding the lesson… I was avoiding the toxic self-criticism, judgment and shame that would come from any failure to stay the course. It would send me into a tailspin, crippling my ability to move forward and recover myself for weeks; sometimes even months.
Oh, but not now! Now when I find myself off course, I am able to pause, reflect on where I've been, and explore my place along the course in which I currently stand with curiosity instead of judgment. I’m simply gathering information so I can see clearly the gap between where I am currently and my intended destination; allowing me to understand the lesson there that will bring me back on course.
In a way it’s not unlike the principle of forgiveness. In the past where I would find myself crippled under the weight of shame and not being enough… I now recognize there is a difference between guilt and shame.
Brene Brown defines shame as, “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”(2) and further explains in another address, “Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad”.(3)
I can be guilty of being off course, but I refuse to experience or feel shame over it. Guilt is a useful tool that holds me accountable; shame is destructive to myself and my goal.
Can you see the difference here?... When we learn that curiosity is the doorway to kindness, empathy, acceptance and self-forgiveness… our course corrections become more frequent, consistent and lasting. We find ourselves correcting our course in a matter of days or hours instead of being thrown off course for long periods of time.
This is something I've spent over a decade learning and practicing. In some areas of our life this principle may come easily as we put it into practice, yet other areas and destinations may be more turbulent and require more dedication to implement it with consistency. But you CAN do it, and it will give back time and time again. I’ve always believed that the work we do for ourselves is the best investment we could ever make.
Now, before I end this dialogue with you… I want to pose two questions. First, what is the one thing from this that you will take away with you today… Write it down. And second?… what action are you willing to commit to, to implement it into your life?
Thank you for being here with me today. Find the blessing in the lessons, and journey on.
-Coach Rebecca
References:
How to Develop Your Personal Mission Statement - Stephen R. Covey, Book (2009)
Shame vs Guilt - Brene Brown, Article (2013)
Listening to Shame - Brene Brown, TED Talk (2012)
